Sacrifice is Selfishness, Selfishness is Sacrifice
In our next blog, we challenge conventional wisdom on parental sacrifice. Learn why balancing sacrifice with selfishness fosters better outcomes for both parents and children.
Introduction
In my previous blog, we explored the importance of prioritizing Time and Health. While many agree on the value of short-term and long-term thinking. I left at selfishness is best sacrifice one can do for their family. We frequently sacrifice our time and health for our family and loved ones, believing this brings fulfillment and happiness. But are we truly doing the right thing for our family?
The essence of self-care is more beneficial than sacrificing your health and time for others. Teaching children the importance of self-care can be more valuable than demonstrating sacrifice. This blog delves into the idea that true sacrifice might actually be a form of selfishness. It may sound counterintuitive, but consider this: when you feel like you're making a sacrifice, there's often an underlying expectation for something in return, even if it's just gratitude. Conversely, when you sacrifice for others because it makes you happy and fulfilled, that's also a form of selfishness with good intentions.
Understanding True Motivation
When you act out of genuine self-interest, without expecting anything in return, you're on the right path. Feeling a sense of sacrifice can lead to expectations from others, often resulting in disappointment and unhappiness. Everything you do is your responsibility, and the rewards are yours to enjoy or share as you choose.
Parental Sacrifice: A Case Study
Parenting is a classic example of this dilemma. It's a modern maze where old-school rules clash with new-age realities. I'm no expert in this field, so gentle readers, I'm ready to get educated from you all. Here's how I want you to navigate this wild ride without losing your sanity. Here are a few scenarios to illustrate how disconnected parents and children are in current times and how prioritizing self-care can lead to better outcomes for both.
Career Confusion
Picture this: your kid is passionate about pursuing a dream career in something unconventional, like underwater basket weaving, but your folks (relatives) are still stuck on the whole doctor-lawyer-engineer thing. It's like trying to explain memes to your grandma – a total mismatch. They passionately advocate for their dreams at the dinner table, hoping to sway you into support. Who knows, they might surprise you with some underwater basket weaving classes!
Parental Panic
Remember how your folks used to freak out if you missed curfew by five minutes? Now imagine them dealing with your kids' Snapchat escapades. It's like watching your dad try to figure out emojis – entertaining, yet slightly painful. Cut them some slack; they're still decoding the mystery of "LOL" and "BRB."
Freedom vs. Fuss
It's the classic battle between independence and "I'm just trying to help." Your version of "help" may feel like a helicopter circling overhead, constantly rerouting their life decisions. If your kids are polite, they'll thank you for your input, then slyly change the subject to the latest Netflix binge. Trust me, you won't even realize it, and your parents will be convinced that their grandchildren are simply adorable and obedient. Actually, they are just buying time to figure out better ways to do things they want to do.
In this crazy rollercoaster called life, remember that you're just winging it like the rest of us.
As I mentioned in the blog "Health & Time," life is like a rental. We all pay for our time here, and we're all born with a sense of survival skills…
…even kids do… I saw a video of a toddler👶 with no swimming experience being thrown into a swimming pool🏊♀️ and swimming back. Hey, I don't vouch for it… I'm not saying every parent should throw their children into something and check if they survive
So, when it comes to parenting, attempting to control your kid's fate with too much disciplining, extreme pampering, or pretending that all their wrongdoings are justified is a failed attempt. They'll become who they want to be, even if it's not what you had in mind. Today's generation knows what they want, even if it's unconventional, and they'll fight to make it happen.
Parents often sacrifice a lot, believing it's for their kids' good. But in today's fast-changing world, the old-school approach may not always apply. The gap between generations is narrowing to almost 5 years
It means a 5-year-old kid👶 can silence a 10-year-old kid🧒 by saying he doesn't know anything. Don't be astonished, research says it
Parents need to constantly recalibrate their methods to keep up. It's tough, but it's necessary to avoid outdated parenting practices that may do more harm than good. This reminds me of a poem by Philip Larkin, delivered in a strong tone addressing to children
**A Poem by Philip Larkin**
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Trust me fellows, these are not my words, all said by Mr. Philip... For the record: My parents did everything right for me. I don't know about Mr. Philip though.
So, rather than imposing your own ideas onto your kids, it's important to let them find their own path. Today's kids are more independent and know what they want, even from a young age. Eventually, you might find yourself becoming inaccessible, and the more you strive to connect with your children by sacrificing your own time, the more stress you'll encounter, leading to negative outcomes for both you and them. Instead, embrace their uniqueness, guide them when needed, and let them navigate life on their terms. After all, isn't that what parenting is all about – helping your kids become the best versions of themselves?
Good Parenting: Embracing Sacrifice and Selfishness
You might be wondering, "Hmm... is everything really that bleak?" Well, I don’t completely agree with Mr. Philip. I have a different perspective – good parenting, which exemplifies how sacrifice and selfishness intertwine.
Here's the deal: the more you try to control your kids' lives, the more they slip through your fingers. It's like trying to grasp water – the tighter you hold on, the more it slips away. And this idea of sacrificing your life for the betterment of your kids? It might not be as noble as it seems. In fact, it could be downright selfish. You're making sacrifices based on your own idea of what's best for them, without considering if it's actually what they need.
Be Selfish to Be Selfless
Prioritize your own needs and desires, as this teaches your kids to value their own well-being and make independent decisions. Now, I'm not saying you should turn into a selfish monster, hoarding all the cookies🍪 for yourself. This isn't about neglecting your children but about modeling healthy self-care and boundaries. Remember to fasten your seatbelt – we're about to embark on a journey of self-discovery!
Think of it like this: just as too much government intervention can lead to economic disaster, too much parental interference can stifle your kids' independence. By letting go, you're making a selfless sacrifice of your desire to control, fostering their growth and self-reliance.
So, let go of the reins and trust that your kids will find their way. It might be scary at first, but it's all part of the journey of parenthood. And who knows? You might be pleasantly surprised by the amazing things they're capable of when given the freedom to chart their own course.
A Modern Approach to Parenting
So what should parents do? Should they just leave everything they are doing?
According to me, children are very smart and intelligent, but what they lack is experience and long-term vision. What I mean is, they want what they want without realizing the future consequences. As a parent, you should never say no to a child. One has to be patient with kids and lay out all possible consequences of their decisions and allow them to decide by themselves, even though the decision is not in your favor.
In the short term, a parent may feel that their kid is going in the wrong direction, but in the long run, your kid keeps you in the decision-making process without fear of simply being overruled.
Second, kids at some point, when they realize that their decision led them to wrong results, will own their mistakes and correct them, recognizing that you had advised them earlier as well.
As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Hey here’s a hack from a friend: if you want the horse to drink, first offer it some grass that it loves. Once it eats the grass, it will become thirsty and ask for water itself. Isn’t that a beautiful?
Parenting is an ever-evolving process. Here are some good parenting scenarios for the current generation:
This is an incident involving a mother and her son, demonstrating how she helped him see the bigger picture and understand the consequences of his thoughtless mischievous actions. She achieved this by sharing her story with her son, instilling in him the sense that what happened to her should not happen to another woman.
Scenario 1: Mother's Lesson on Respect
One afternoon, as a mother was busy doing laundry, she noticed her son mischievously tossing water balloons at passing girls below. Instead of scolding him immediately, she seized the opportunity to impart a valuable lesson. She brought the bucket of laundry to the balcony where her son stayed hidden, waiting for his next victim.
Mom (casually, while hanging laundry in the balcony): You know (grabbing son's attention), yesterday, I was on my way to catch the bus when suddenly, from behind, a group of college students on a scooter threw popcorn on me.
Son (in a serious and concerned tone): What!!!!
Mom (narrating casually while still drying): They were shouting "Madam... Madam... aap ke baalon mein mera popcorn lag gaya hai... Nikal ke dedo na. hehehe"
Son (clutching his fist with anger): Then!!!, what did you say?
Mom: Kis kis ko bholu (and she just leaves the place with a smile and sigh).
As her son fell silent, pondering her words, the mother left the place, giving him time and hoping that this small exchange would instill in him a deeper understanding of how actions, even seemingly harmless ones, can affect others.
At this age, children may lack long-term vision. Their intelligence, coupled with mischievous behavior, requires patient and thoughtful guidance to prevent potential harm to themselves and others.
Scenario 2: Guiding Career Choices
When I scored well in both math and science papers in the 10th class, my father laid out all possibilities and where I might land up if I took up a particular stream. He provided all information with his experience, allowing me to choose my path. This balance between guidance and freedom let me own my decision, which aligns with the idea that true sacrifice involves letting go of control for the child's benefit. I chose engineering and stood by my decision till now. His personal choice was the medical stream, but he did not try to impose it on me.
Scenario 3: Buying a Car
One of my friends, soon after landing a job, wanted to buy a car. Her father didn't stop her but was part of the decision-making. He prompted her with a few dimensions in the below conversation:
Father: Hey, sweetheart, I heard from your mom that you're thinking about buying a car. Exciting stuff!
Daughter: Yeah, Papa, I've been researching, but I'm stuck on which one to choose.
Father: Don't worry, Kitty!...Let's tackle this together. What are the top contenders?
Daughter: Well, I've narrowed it down, but I'm not sure which fits best.
Father: Alright, let's break it down. First, we need to consider practicalities. Do you have parking at your apartment?
As they discuss, the father starts to highlight various practical aspects like parking availability, maintenance costs, and long-term investment.
Daughter: Hmm, not really. Street parking might be the only option.
Father: That's something to think about. We wouldn't want some mischievous kid or careless drivers scratching your new car parked on the street, would we?
Daughter: Oh No!!!, I know few notorious kids in our surroundings, if they damage my new car...I am going to teach them a lesson...Hehe
Father: And what about maintenance expenses? I don't want you to end up with a car that costs a fortune to maintain.
Daughter: Duh, silly me... I completely overlooked that! Papa, could you please help me sort through these nitty-gritties?
Father: Ok Love...Let's research the maintenance costs of each model and find one that fits your budget.
Daughter: Thanks, Papa... You are my hero!
Father: Of course, moonpie. It's important to consider all the factors before making a decision.
Throughout the conversation, the father guides his daughter, encouraging her to think critically and consider various factors before making a decision. He empowers her to take charge of the process while providing valuable insights and support.
True Parenting: Live by Example
Treating your kids like friends and involving them in decision-making empowers them and leads to positive outcomes. When they see you as a wise advisor, they’ll know they can rely on your guidance, just like they would with a trusted friend.
The above gyan on parenting remind us that imposing our sense of right and wrong on our children often pushes them away. Instead, living by your values and leading by example can be far more impactful. Remember, children have their own personalities and are different from you.
Live life to the fullest and encourage your children to do the same. Life teaches important lessons, often when we least expect them. Let your kids chart their own course. Be their friend, not a barrier; a companion, not an obstacle. Share how you spend your time and energy. By being authentic, we naturally inspire others.
As I mentioned earlier, I am not an expert in parenting, and some of you might disagree with some of my points, but the key is to keep the conversation going, keep questioning, and never stop learning.
Conclusion
Parents should know that you can only be a good parent by example, not by just advising or pushing your kids. If you spend most of your time and effort in self-realization, molding your life into what you want it to be, and making decisions with a long-term thought process and short-term action plan, you can achieve your ultimate goal of living a good, happy, healthy Ikigai life. By living your own successful life, you can inspire your children to achieve their goals. You might not completely understand or appreciate their goals, but you will never be disappointed because your children will own their decisions and live their lives on their own terms, free from external dictates.
Add ons: -
Gentle readers please give a thought on below points
What motivates my actions: self-interest or genuine concern for others ?
Am I comfortable with the sacrifices I'm making, or are they driven by a sense of obligation or guilt?
How can I ensure my actions benefit both myself and those around me, creating a win-win situation?
How can I cultivate greater self-awareness and make more conscious choices about how I spend my time and energy?
What resources or support systems can I utilize to further explore these concepts and develop strategies for living a more fulfilling and balanced life?
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